Everyone says that my city is only populated by old retired people. Its a "pretty city." Not only is there some old guy who is always at the gas station around the corner parked by the air pump waiting on God knows what, meanwhile the police are constantly there making drug busts---I know you're waiting on that good stuff old man. But then we have the gulliest of all gully gangsters. I mean who else is hood enough to hold up a police station?






You're so hood.

***

This morning my son made me listen to The Ting Tings'-Great DJ roughly six times. It made me smile that he is starting to have his own personality. I tried to change the song after the first listen but he told me to go back so he could hear the "Drum Song". I couldn't listen to it after I dropped him off to daycare, though. I don't want to have to hate the song. Another song he likes that I found really weird was T-Pain's-Suicide. He actually sang the words! Sure he was a few seconds off as he was listening and repeating, but it was so cute watching him try to sing. But I had to change the song before T-Pain started dropping F bombs. Maybe he'll love to sing like his mama. I might have a lil Chris Brown on my hands. Either that or he's the next Eli Manning. Only time will tell. But either way, Mommy gets a brand new Benz and dad gets NOTHIN. Muahahaha.

I have a quality about me that a lot of men don't like, or they would like to convince me is a really really bad quality. If a friend of mine is being cheated on, or even if a friend of mine is cheating, they better not tell me, and they damn sure better not try to nominate me as the one they try to cheat with. Sometimes I wonder if I'm wrong. I wonder if I should mind my own business. I have done this a few times but I'll use the two most recent as examples.

A friend of mine was cheating on his wife. He and I were friends first, had no romantic connection, and in fact he dated a friend of mine while I was in high school and that was how we'd known each other. I read in another bloggers blog, who was involved with my friend's best friend, that the friend (lord lets call him Wall) was cheating on his wife frequently. I sat on that information for a minute. I met the wife after our friendship but had grown close to her and I was angry that he would cheat on such a wonderful woman. I mean this was his WIFE. I decided to tell her after she promised not to give me up as the source. When I did, she said she already knew that he'd cheated on her. She brought it up to him anyway, giving me up as the source, and now the man doesn't speak to me anymore. I know I maybe shouldn't have meddled in their lives, but to me, its so hard to watch another man step out on his woman, and for me to know that the woman is living in ignorant bliss. I remember living in ignorant bliss, and I personally wish someone had come to let me know. Living years on a lie hurts. At the same time, Its up to those people to decide what they want to do in their relationship.

Most recently was William, who is a really close friend. We have a great bond and he's probably the only man I can have relations with and feel completely confident about not being in a relationship with him. We're just tight like that. We go "way back" and we understand each other. When he was planning to come down here for my birthday I was excited to be around my old friend. I missed him and knew my weekend was going to be exciting. Then I saw the relationship status on his Myspace.

A little background on William is he is completely freaked out by PDA and
people being in his business. For him to make this statement out in the "open"
was a HUGE step for him and was probably very hard for him to bring himself to
do. And because of that, I knew the girl he'd been "seeing" for the past two
years HAD to be his girlfriend, because it would probably take that long if not
longer to lock the man down.

This involved me. He wasn't being honest with me, and as I turn out he probably had no intention of going through with his plans. He was being deceitful to us both, and I approached her. Asking if she and William were together, because he was making plans to fly down to Florida and I would be taking NO PART in him stepping out on anyone.

He's my friend, but I will be more loyal to a female than I will a trifling ass
man. If you think I would even stand by my son's side while he's cheating or
playing with a woman's emotions, then you would be wrong. I have watched mothers
do so, and it disappoints me.

When I hit send I prayed that she would tell me that they aren't together, just close friends. But when she responded in obvious PAIN and saying "Thank you for verifying what I was already feeling." I felt for her. We talked all day, and I gave her my log in information to view my messages/the proof. This way he couldn't tell her that I was faking messages or making anything up. You cant play a player. I know every single excuse the man could come up with. I wanted her to present this to him with all her bases covered. I didn't want her to doubt herself at all. I didn't want him to make her feel like she was stupid. I have already been there. His reaction was "I don't know what you're talking about." She read him the messages and said, "Oh and no she didn't forward or copy and paste, I went into her inbox so don't even try it." He was busted, and there wasn't any way around it.

At the same time, I want things to work out with the two of them. She's a good girl, and I love my friend, but he's not going to put me in that position. Just imagine if I found all this out AFTER he came to see me, and how miserable I would have felt about it. I wasn't going to ask him, I knew he might lie. He told me "She's not my girlfriend, I only put that on my page to keep the stalkers away." Yea you can give him the deadly side eye, I did. On one hand he's trying to keep me as his friend and he's trying not to lose her. He didn't know he was on speaker phone and I had dialed her number on my house phone. I wasn't giving him the chance to run back and forth, telling her I'm a liar, telling me she's a liar. She tells me he was absolutely distraught and she is kicking him out of her house, and he's moping around at work. This wasn't even the first time it happened. She tells me it happened before, but because the female was so immature and over-the-top, she doubted her integrity.

She and I talked about what a good man William is, because he really is, but this him is not okay with either of us. She doesn't want him gone from her life forever. They are great together, but she deserves the same amount of respect she gives him. Hopefully it will all work out.

He said I did this to hurt him, I did it to hurt her, but really I did it for me and for her. Because we both were being lied to. See men tell us not to meddle and to mind our own business and all of that, but when you're not cheating and you're not lying and you're not hiding anything, the meddling doesn't happen, and when it does, it hurts no one. Just another case of "blame anyone but myself" is what he's got going on right now.

My point is, my loyalty will always be to the woman, before it is to the man. Why do I want to "cover" for you. I would rather teach your ass how to treat women better. I would rather you NOT be a scum bag. So if I'm nosey, meddling, and not minding my own business...then maybe you should stop being a lying cheating piece of shit. I wouldn't have anything to "snitch" on you about.

I'm also getting my hair fixed this weekend! I am not okay with this tri-colored blondish redish disaster on my dome. It needs to be dealt with. My mother is paying for it as my birthday present. I'm also going to take a few inches off to get the healthy feel back in order. I will probably cry. Infact I KNOW I'm going to cry because I sob everytime I get my hair cut. I always feel like they take too much off and I look like a little girl. I'm getting it done at 1pm and then I'm going out later that night so I'm praying it comes out good. Hell it better come out fantabulous or I'm going to be one cranky birthday girl!

You know what really chaps my silky smooth tanned ass? When people carry themselves with the notion that they do no wrong. Nose-in-the air types. Especially women. Any normal person has gone through some kind of strife, made some sort of mistake, or made a bad decision. I have made plenty of bad decisions, and I'm probably not through making them. They get less and less dramatic, but I'm still making them today. For example I went against my better judgement today and bought a bunch of junk food for my office. On one hand its bad for my diet, on the other it was money I shouldn't have spent. When someone judges a group of people for their decision making and puts them into a category, those are the type of people who get under my skin. Assuming someone on Welfare is lazy, is wrong. To assume someone who doesn't have custody of their child doesn't love that child is wrong. We don't know why some people are in the positions they are in. We don't know why some people make certain decisions. But to branch off of this, just because someone was fortunate enough in their life to not make similar bad choices or mistakes, does not make them a better person.

My life is going to be short. All of ours is. With each birthday I celebrate for myself and now for my son, I am starting to realize that everything I have can be gone in a flash, and to spend the rest of my time here on earth trying to fit into some social standard of accomplishment, could waste precious moments of my short life. I cannot focus on what others have done as a standard for me. I cannot sit here and bare resentment for what I have failed to do, or the opportunities I did not take. All I can do is be open to new opportunities, and learn from the mistakes I've made and work towards making better decisions. Yet only to fulfill my own life and not satisfy the opinions of others. What life is all about, is who will be there at your funeral.

I want to succeed in my life, so that my son will have an amazing foundation for his. I want to progress in the work force and in my career, so that not only will I be able to provide for my children but so that I may give them more than what I had. So that I will have the means to making this life that I have FUN for me and worthwhile for my family. I want to accomplish things in life that will make my mother proud, for she gave me life. It's my duty as a child to do things in life that will positively reflect my mother's duties as my parent, and to raise my child to have the same ethics. The amount of money I make, nor the amount of material possesions I own, are going to matter come judgement day. And while my family holds each others hand at my funeral, I want them to speak of what a happy, exciting, giving, and loving life that I had. I want them to talk of all the things we've done together, what they had learned from me, and what gifts of joy I might have given them.

I'm a single parent. I made a mistake. But I gained a beautiful son, maturity, and family. I gained the blessing of motherhood. I made a mistake and did not go to school before I started to have children, but it is not too late for that. I will go to school, I will enjoy it, and I will gain a career from it. When this life is over, my time will not be measured in degrees or dollar signs. I want to make enough money so that my family is comfortable, but I will not be ashamed of my life if I am not a doctor or lawyer. I will not be ashamed that I made a decision to trust a man and believe that he loved me. To want so badly for him to love me back. Because love is what life is all about. I was foolish, but I learned from it, and I was able to love deeply, even if I wasn't loved in return.

So for anyone who wants to judge me for where I have been, where I am, or where I am going...I am happy with all of it. Because at the end of this life, you're not going to be at my funeral, so bluntly, FUCK what you think of me.